if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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