3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
