decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Randomize
