Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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