So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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