very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
