I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
