I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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