How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
