....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
