my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
