My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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