Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Found the puke drawer
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
