seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
