sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
