Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize