Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
