it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
