she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
