I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
