last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
