I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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