I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
