yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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