New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
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