happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
