It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
