I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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