Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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