i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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