it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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