Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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