my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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