I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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