well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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