another moral hangover. fuck.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
