im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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