he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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