If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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