I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
