Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Randomize
