I wish I could teleport
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
