I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
She announced her abortion via fbk
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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