She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think my fart just growled at me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
