genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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