I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize