I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
