if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
