but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
