dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
