my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
