he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
