YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
