goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
