Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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