just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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