I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
