I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
