Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
