when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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